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Podcast #24: Who Do You Love?

Updated: Feb 18


A big part of happiness as an adult is being around the people who really love you. This may bring special challenges if you have an invisible disability. Here's some advice for you, your spouse or friends who make your life so special.



Definition

As you can see from the picture above, love and intimate relationships come in many colors and experiences. Let's start with a simple definition. When I talk about spouses or life partners with LD or dyslexia, I mean someone you have handpicked to share your life with. This involves being in a long-term, committed relationship where you both choose to mutually respect each other and share common goals for the future. Part of this commitment stresses building a satisfying of quality of life together. It also includes devotion to someone else based on a deep connection of respect, trust, and understanding.

The foundation of these intimate relationships is the concept of love. As you can imagine, there are as many definitions of love as there are stars in the sky. But here's a straightforward one to get us started: Love is made up of emotions and behaviors that involve caring, feeling close, and feeling deeply committed to someone else. As Estrada (2023) explains: "There are many forms of love: romantic love, transformative love between a parent and a child, the strong connection between friends or family members, and, for many people, the uncomplicated bond they have with their beloved pets." But it's also important to remember that love, in its many forms, is not static. It often doesn't just happen once and then fade away. True love is an evolving process that can grow and strengthen. As Sterling says, " “Love begins as an emotion and, over time, it grows into a verb” (Estrada, 2023).

Literally thousands and thousands of songs, stories, poems, movies, and plays throughout history have been written about the power of love. However, given this limited space, the focus of this Blog and Podcast are very specific; friends, spouses, and/or life partners. They are discussed in much greater detail in the next sections.




Caveat: Please note that neither of the Scenarios, nor any of the material in this Blog or Podcast, will go into the topic of invisible disabilities and sexual intimacy. It clearly is critical to successful adulthood, whether you have disabilities or not. However, they are beyond the scope of this forum. For more ideas and information from professionals much more expert than me, please see the Resource Section at the end of this Blog.


Benefits

Loving, intimate relationships are clearly one of the most powerful forces in adult life. For instance, if there's one thing that multiple studies for decades have shown, it's how a great marriage or a network of wonderful friends will enrich your life everyday (Wallsten, 2024). As Gallagher (2000) stresses, "In virtually every way that social scientists can measure, married people do much better than the unmarried or divorced: they live longer, healthier, happier, sexier, and more affluent lives." In fact, there are so many benefits to having a happy marriage or stable, long-term, relationship, that Therapevo (2024) has categorized them in five, different ways: daily happiness; life satisfaction; longevity; physical and mental health; and personal growth.

His work is echoed by the folks at the Harvard Health Blog (2016) who say:

" . . as compared with those who are single, those who are married tend to: live longer; have fewer strokes and heart attacks; have a lower chance of becoming depressed; be less likely to have advanced cancer at the time of diagnosis and more likely to survive cancer for a longer period of time; and survive a major operation more often." Gallagher (2000) adds that there are multiple mental benefits as well: "Marriage is good for your mental health. Married men and women are less depressed, less anxious, and less psychologically distressed than single, divorced, or widowed Americans. By contrast, getting divorced lowers both men's and women's mental health, increasing depression and hostility, and lowering one's self-esteem and sense of personal mastery and purpose in life." It's interesting to note that researchers and professionals have found that married individuals always measure higher in significant ways that those who are unmarried or divorced. For instance, they consistently have: a longer life, better productivity; less economic hardship; less physical pain; more legal protection; better sleep, and a stronger purpose in life (Gallagher, 2000).

As the professionals at Therapevo (2024) emphasize: ". . . the hard work of creating a thriving, passionate marriage is worthwhile. Whatever you’ve been through, however difficult the road ahead appears to be . . . stay committed to creating something beautiful with your spouse. Marriage is not always easy. But we want you to know it is worthwhile."






How this Applies to LD and Dyslexia

When someone talks about dyslexia, LD, or ADHD, they usually go to academics first. This makes sense as currently the vast majority of literature and reseach focuses on IEPs, legislation, passing classes, & secondary graduation. Adult needs and issues will rarely, if ever, enter that picture. But, children with invisible disabilities ALWAYS grow up into adults with invisibile disabilities. This means they too will face one of the most significant, special experiences in adulthood--learning how to love someone else. It often happens through a close friendship or in a deeper way as intimate partners or spouses. This is truly unexplored territory for everyone. But special challenges emerge if one person has invisible disabilities.

As Miller (LDOnline, 2025) explains: "Learning disabilities may present many challenges to the individual other than the obvious. They have a great impact on relationships and personal interactions. The effects are experienced by [both] persons with learning disabilities and their partners." All of this is further complicated by the fact that one size does not fit all for either partner. As Schultz (2025) says: "A learning disability has certain common features, but it shows up in different people in different ways. This is especially true in adults. Two people born with the same type of disability may have entirely different life paths, influenced by educational, social, emotional, financial and health factors as they mature." Add that to the already bewildering and baffling puzzle of intimate relationships and things can really get complex. Here's a few examples:


(A) Invisibility

The first issue that can strongly shape adult intimate relationships is the factor of invisibility. As LD, dyslexia, or ADHD are rarely visible like sensory or physical disabilities, a whole new set of dynamics often emerges. Imagine, for instance, that your partner is totally deaf. Right away, you would change how you communicate with them (e.g., look at them when speaking, talk in clear and simple language, keep background noise to a minimum, and use critical facial expressions and hand gestures as visual cues). You learn quickly to be patient, as there can be lots of misunderstandings and frustrations. You may also learn sign language, if that is their preferred mode of communication (Victory, 2021).

Now, contrast this with someone who has LD, dyslexia, or ADHD. They look totally "normal" to everyone, but their daily behavior with you can often seem erratic, puzzling, or even infuriating. For instance, Miller (2025) has observed that "As everyone has good and bad days, so do individuals with learning disabilities, but theirs are often much more pronounced and frequent. Their capabilities can vary widely from day to day without any predictable patterns or identifiable causes." Examples are: finding details exhausting or getting overwhelmed by what they see or hear; being highly creative and seeing things that others don't; having a unique sense of humor that baffles their peers; taking everything literally or experiencing thoughts as actual reality; thinking in 3-D pictures instead of words; being full of contractions with great strengths and equally strong deficits; and being totally unaware or ignorant of their dyslexia (Scolnik, 2015).

Such idiocrancies over time can lead to resentment, anger, and frustration for both pardners (LD Online, 2025). In fact, Miller (2025) stresses that "Since learning disabilities often are not visible, both partners may have difficulty understanding and accepting the limitations they create. No matter who has the disability, the problems must be worked out together. It is important to distinguish between difficulties which can be overcome (using strategies and accommodations) and those which are not likely to change." Figuring this out can be a lot of hard work which the partners, may or may not, want to do. At the very least, it can cause lots of unwanted conflict and pain in any marriage. As Miller says, "The partner without learning disabilities may experience resentment at having to continually tend to the needs of the other, while many of his/her needs may seem to go unmet." Unfortunately over time, this can lead to more deep-seated problems, including divorce (Winn, 2022).



(B) Emotions Everyone gets emotional sometimes when you're in an intimate relationship; whether you are a close friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a spouse, or a life partner. However, when you throw invisible disabilities into the mix, it can be like walking through a minefield everyday. As Slocombe (2025) tells us: "Dyslexic adults can experience emotions such as anxiety, anger and depres-sion. A dyslexic partner may take their anger out on their non-dyslexic partner or feel too anxious or depressed to spend any time with them. Adults with dyslexia can also feel confused, bewildered, embarrassed, ashamed and guilty. One way that these feelings can affect relationships is that a dyslexic adult could find being in a relationship married to a person without dyslexia embarrassing."

Other emotional issues can surface, based on the partner with dyslexia's low or non-existent self-esteem. Unfortunately, this often has deep roots that go back to early childhood, when the person with an invisible disability couldn't read, write, or attend to tasks like their peers. They could have been shamed, picked-on or bullied as a result. They are often left with anger, frustration, and resentments that have never gone away. Such memories can live on for years and fester as a lack of self-confidence, depression, sadness, shame, and a deep-seated sense of inadequacy and failure (Kabra, 2021). The partner without an invisible disability could innocently walk into this mess and be shell-shocked by the trauma and damage their partner hides from others. Another irony is that the person with the disability may not understand it themselves. As one spouse said, "Last week my counsellor picked up on my dyslexia and asked if this was a third person [dyslexia] in our marriage" (Passe, 2025).



(C) Communication

Slocombe (2024) tells us that: "A dyslexic partner can find it hard “to remember appointments or meetings” or estimate how long a task will take as well as struggle to read and write. This can cause confusion and frustration from a non-dyslexic partner, especially if the partners live together or are raising a family." These relatively simple tasks can lead to lots and lots of bafflement, misunderstandings, and craziness. It's ironic, because such tasks are often simple and straightforward to others, but "too much information, such as a list of instructions or directions, will be hard for the dyslexic brain to process and remember" (BDA, 2025). Instead, the spouse or friend without dyslexia is forced to communicate in a new way. They find themselves asking one question at a time or changing the information to smaller chunks for processing (posting reminders, drawing a simple map, writing a list with numbers or bullet-points, repeating things more than once, saying one thing at a time, etc.).

Such communication issues can also been seen in social situations, where individuals with invisible disabilities may have problems with coherent conversations or appropriate social skills. As Passe (2025) explains: . . . at times they can come out with some very strange ideas based on their alternative wiring, making them find divergent thoughts [or] to check if such thoughts are suitable for the conversation they are taking part in. In some ways, . . . they are unaware of unwritten social rules and therefore can

come across at times as weird or insecure to those who are unaware of how dyslexia can affect individuals." While this may be attributable to an invisible disability, such quirkiness quickly loses its charm over time. Instead, the spouse or friend may find themselves impatient, embarassed, or having to constantly do damage control for their spouse or friend with an invisible disability. In the long run, this pattern may further erode the relationship.



(D) Living an Erratic Life

Another area that you may not expect when you are intimately involved with someone with an invisible disability is just how hard daily life can be. Little things can drive you crazy. Your daily routines that were no big deal suddenly can become on-going hassles that quickly turn into major fights. For instance, you may be used to making your own appointments and showing up promptly at the doctor, dentist, bank, lawyer, etc. Maybe you're the person who knows everybody's birthday or anniversary. Perhaps, you juggle a part-time job, going to school, raising children or taking care of family members. All of these duties demand lots of responsiblity, dependability, organization and time management skills. But, what happens when your partner regularly forgets to do something? What if they miss parties, dates, appointments, or important occasions? What do you do when the love of your life doesn't remember simple household errands or chores, despite multiple promises to do better? How do you cope when the bills don't get paid or important documents or everyday items get lost and can't be found? These daily frustrations, and many more, may be a normal way of life for folks with invisible disabilities (ADDA-Admin, 2022: LDA, 2025; Miller, 2024). This may not be normal for others without disabilities.

Such frustrating situations can also be intensified and compounded by impulsivity, a trait that can go hand-in-hand with LD, dyslexia, or ADHD (Effa, 2023; Kabra, 2021; Passe, 2025). For instance, partners with these disabilities may act irrationally without thinking or make rash decisions. Spontaneous is their middle name. While this can be charming or appealing on a date or at a birthday party, it can become annoying and aggravating on a daily basis. Some spouses feel like they're constantly compensating for what can come next. As Scolnik (2015) shares, "Some days they seem to function better than others, and can appear to be improving. Other days, it’s like everything is getting worse. There’s no reason, and no pattern. It just is." Another spouse added: "She never really considers [the] consequences of any of her decisions and when left in charge of money, she will spend it all on dining out, expensive clothing and beauty products leaving nothing for bills or groceries. When questioned about it, she got flustered and upset . . In the end she insisted on relinquishing all respon-sibility back to me . . I love my wife, but I'm finding myself in an increasingly worrying predicament. Lately I feel like I'm married to a child. What the hell do I do?" (Husband86, 2025).

Unfortunately, such impulsivity may also have a darker side that few spouses or close friends are prepared for. While this definitely is not true for everyone, there may be a coorelation between ADHD and gambling. As the professionals from CHADD explain (2025): "For adults with ADHD, gambling is a disturbingly common behavior. The rush of winning triggers neurochemicals that can momentarily help them to feel more focused and the brain just wants more. It can become difficult to stop and walk away from the table. . . Adults with ADHD who gamble frequently run the risk of developing a severe problem. Some studies show as many as 10 to 20 percent of people diagnosed with ADHD are also “problem gamblers,” meaning they keep gambling even after it is having a negative effect on their life and relationships." (Please Note: While I want to stress again that not all people with ADHD will become problem gamblers or that ADHD causes gambling, I think it is worth mentioning that this may be one example of impulsivity and an invisible disability.) Other areas of concern are impulsive spending or engaging in risky, unsafe behavior (Haack & Maliken, 2020; Low, 2020). Any of these issues can easily make living with someone with LD, dyslexia, or ADHD very challenging on a daily basis.







(E) Positive Assets of Invisible Disabilities

The previous information may give an overwhelmingly dark picture of intimate relationships with adults with invisible disabilities. But, there's an equally powerful side to this story that must be acknowledged. Many friends, spouses, or partners will quickly attest that living with people with LD, dyslexia, or ADHD can be a wonderful experience as well. For instance, other Blogs and Podcasts have already explored the many strengths and marvelous personal qualities that folks with invisible disabilities bring to the table. No one can be more kind, empathetic, loving, or understanding than someone who carries the burden of invisible disabilities. No one is more resourceful or a better problem solver that someone who has lived with silent and invisible hurdles all of their lives. No one is more fun to be around or more stimulating than living with someone who is so creative and sees everyday life in such multi-faceted, intriguing ways. As Campbell (2021) stresses: "Love is different for everyone, and yet it is something we all desire. Each person is different and unique in their own way. Sometimes it is easy to love someone, and other times it can be challenging. At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that all of us have our own strengths and weaknesses as individuals . . . Just because their brain works differently doesn’t mean they will not be someone who will make you laugh, smile, and bring you joy in life. To love or know someone with dyslexia is a gift that can be received with open-mindedness, patience, and effective listening and communication".



Scenarios



Scenario A:

Josh met Julie on a popular dating app. He had just gotten out of an emotional, roller-coaster with someone who was the love of his life. After their third broken engagement, Josh was done. But, he was still lonely--hanging out with the guys just wasn't enough. So, when one of his buddies found his new girlfriend online, Josh decided to try it too. He immedialy found Julie, and it was love at first sight. Josh and Julie seemed too good to be true. After talking for hours everyday online, they started meeting for lunch and then dinner. This turned into lots of fun times and weekend get-aways. Julie met Josh's family and fit in well with Josh's friends. Everyone, including Josh, loved her. So, the the natural step after 8 months of dating seemed to be marriage. After a beautiful, really expensive wedding, they moved in together. Their timeline was a little rushed, as Julie secretly announced that she was pregnant. Every one seemed so happy, but that's when things went off the rails.

Josh quickly found out that dating someone could be entirely different than living with someone full time. The first red flags emerged when he saw how incredibly disorganized she was. Julie had always seemed a little forgetful, but now he realized that she was constantly missing appointments, meetings, and important social engagements. She had no understanding of the consequences of her actions. For example, she had no sense of time or space; she couldn't estimate how long something would take, how far or close something was, or how to plan for anything. Julie clearly had no money sense at all and Josh quickly had to take over the finances. Reading and writing for her were almost impossible tasks.

In addition, Josh had never noticed how often she became frustrated and confused, especially in certain social situations. For instance, when he visited her at work, he saw that occasionally she appeared bored, bewildered, or embarrassed. She later confessed to him that she had been caught plagarizing another colleague's work and was fired from her last job.

These problems were direct contrast with how well Julie got along with everyone. She could literally talk to anyone anywhere and was extremely perceptive and empathetic with others. She just seemed so bright and charming. However, further observation revealed that she often didn't follow what people were saying and avoided topics that required deeper depth and understanding. She could quickly lose interest and would wander away to talk to someone else. But, none of this mattered if Julie cared about you. She could be the most loyal person imaginable. Josh had always been captivated by how Julie could love with her whole heart. She would literally do anything, anytime, anywhere to make you happy. She just wanted to make you smile.

All these are interesting traits for a girl friend, but what about a wife and mother? Things got even more complicated fast, when Julie finally revealed to Josh that she had severe learning disabilities. She tried to explain all of this to him, but the more she talked the more confused and worried he got, especially when she talked about LD being a life-long condition with no cure. When she told him this was genetic, he felt like he was falling off a cliff. What had seemed to be the perfect relationship suddenly became the perfect nightmare.



Scenario B:

Joan is Marcie's closest friend. They started out as college roommates many years ago when they met at a dorm mixer at prestigious, East Coast university. Marcie had never travelled by herself and here she was 2,000 miles away from home. They clicked immediately. Marcie often felt overwhelmed and confused the first few months, but Joan always had her back. They requested the same dorm room and never looked back. They struggled through keeping scholarships,

part-time jobs, doing laundry, keeping up with their classes, lack of sleep and privacy, too many boyfriends, no boyfriends, disagreements with professors, bad cafeteria food, too much drinking, financial problems, and health issues. Joan taught Marcie not to give up and to laugh all of the time. Marcie worked with Joan on study skills, organization and time management. When they graduated together, no one was prouder of Marcie than Joan--and vice versa.

Marcie was especially pleased when Joan graduated summa cum laude because she learned early in their friendship that Joan had dyslexia. The girls often pulled all-nighters together when Joan studied for an important exam or struggled to read all of the readings for a certain class. Marcie lost her brother in a diving accident and went home for a few weeks. Joan got her class notes from friends and was her emotional rock. Many things came and went during the four years of college, but Marcie and Joan were best friends.

However, after they separated to go to different graduate schools, things seemed to fall apart for Joan. Marcie and Joan still Skyped every few weeks, but Marcie became more and more concerned about her friend. Joan was clearly alone in Boston, anxious and depressed in her new setting. Her self-esteem was zero and she lost her scholarship due to poor grades. She seemed to live in constant chaos. Joan complained that she couldn't connect with anyone. She broke up with two different boyfriends in 6 months. She stopped talking to her family and started having financial problems, especially paying off her student loans. Eventually, Joan dropped out completely from graduate school. She got a series of dead-end jobs and kept quitting when they got too crazy or complicated for her. Marcie was really worried, however, when Joan seemed drunk or hung over during their video calls. Marcie can't reach out across the country to hug her friend, but she wants to do something. She can't stop thinking about Joan, who gave her so much and asked so little in return.




Tips and Tricks




Tip #1: Making Your Partner Crazy: Executive Functioning Issues

There definitely are many different ways that invisible disabilities can transform a marriage. One of the biggest, on-going challenges is executive functioning (e.g. organizing, prioritizing, planning, or time management). For instance, whether your backpack is a continual mess as a child or you can't turn your work in on time as an adult, these skills quickly become hurdles in everyday life. The importance of executive functioning can be especially critical in intimate relationships with close friends, spouses, or life partners.

As the folks from the British Dyslexia Association (2025) explain, "There is a common misconception that dyslexia only affects the ability to read and write. In reality, dyslexia can affect memory, organisation, time-keeping, concentration, multi-tasking and communication. All impact on everyday life. If you're in a relationship with someone whose brain works differently to yours it can be confusing and frustrating. Especially if you have the responsibility of running a household and family together."

As marriage is a partnership, this annoyance and frustration soon becomes a two-way street for both parties. Miller (2025) adds, "A person with learning disabilities may be frustrated about the way a partner provides assistance by feeling stifled when too much is routinely provided, which may give rise to the perception that he or she is stupid or being treated like a child. Also, he or she may feel unfairly blamed for relationship problems, such as not listening or not trying hard enough, which may be due to his/her learning disabilities."

These issues often start as small, daily irritations. But, if not addressed, they quickly become nuisances and inconveniences that drive the other person nuts--especially if there seems to be no rhyme or reason why it is happening. As Harrar (2023) stresses, "The impact on a marriage of ADHD that’s undiagnosed, untreated or under-treated can be profound. 'There are high divorce rates, high dysfunction rates' . . ." In fact, an Israeli study of 60 spouses whose partners had ADHD reported less marital satisfaction and intimacy than the control group without ADHD (Harrar, 2023).

It is also be helpful to see the issues with executive functioning from the dyslexic point of view. Lanforrester (2017) describes in this way: "I’m going to start this off by being completely honest; loving someone who’s dyslexic can be easy or hard." He gives these examples: usually being late, mis-hearing and mis-reading all kinds of information, forgetting what you heard, seeing the big picture and not considering details, and losing things on a regular basis. He stresses that others must learn to expect the un-expected and get used to lots of contradictions in everyday life. That's all well and good to say in an article, but how do you cope 24/7? Scenario A can give you some guidance here.

Josh and Julie clearly are in love and committed to their marriage. But, now they are trying to adjust to living together full time. Plus, a child is on the way which will definitely make changes in both their lives. Consequently, some things that might have been tolerated before can become big irritations. This leads to on-going fights and conflicts that never seem to end. For instance, Josh could never count on Julie to be on time for anything. Not only was time an issue, but she just kept forgetting to take vitamins, medications, follow instructions, and keep her obstetrician appointments. She wanted to turn the guest room into a nursery, but bought furniture that didn't fit and changed the paint color three times. Josh finally put his foot down one weekend when she spent over $4,000 online shopping without telling him. Family members kept giving her advice and baby books to read, but she would get confused or forget what was said. Then she would lose interest and drift away to other topics.

Josh suddenly realized that he now had two potential children: Julie and the new baby. She was so loving and well-intended, but he just wasn't sure that he could trust her with all this responsibility. On top of that, their new marriage was suffering--and maybe on the rocks. Julie clearly resented everything Josh said and did. They seemed to be at odds all of the time, especially when they tried to communicate. Instead, they kept hurting each other while they tried to get their own needs met. Who was right and who was wrong? That's a fight they had over and over.

Something had to change--and they both knew it. Josh's mom suggested that they go to counseling because they clearly were stuck in a downward spiral.

But where to go? In desperation, Josh's Supervisor suggested that he use the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at work for a referral. His HR Counselor referred him to Betty, a therapist at a local agency. She met with Julie and Josh free for 10 sessions to assess various issues, help them jointly develop goals, and then create a plan to address them (White, 2021). The three areas they chose were: conflict resolution, better communication skills, and new parenting issues. As they worked with Betty, they all realized that they were just scratching the surface. Betty's advice and activities really helped put things back on track. Betty made it clear that this was a great start, but there was still work to be done. One of her biggest concerns was how Julie's LD was still a big factor in their lives.

Betty admitted that she only had cursory knowledge about LD. So she made a referral for long-term couple's therapy to her colleague Alice at the University.

At Alice's suggestion, Julie was re-tested for her LD. This up-dated diagnosis revealed not only problems with reading, auditory discrimination and memory, but also a number of Executive Functioning issues. Now things started to make sense for both Josh and Julie. That's why she had problems with organizing, prioritizing, planning, and time management. That's why she couldn't always follow conversations or forgot what she heard. That's why Josh didn't trust her and kept always treating her like a child. Of equal importance, Josh finally understood that it wasn't Julie's fault--it was just her LD. Just like he adored her loving and giving nature, now he would learn how to accept and value her LD as well.

Alice gave them lots of videos to watch and introduced them to two students at the University who volunteered to answer questions and give more insights into invisible disabilities. Then, they jointly developed a game plan where both carried equal responsibility at home while waiting for the baby. Josh tried to compensate for Julie's LD by making visual checklists to prioritize and complete tasks. Whenever possible, he would reduce distractions in the environment or break information into smaller chunks to help Julie to remember something. Julie worked on memory problems by asking for clarification and moving closer to the speaker to follow what they were saying. With Josh's help, she developed daily routines with specific goals on a calendar (i.e., taking medication, cooking, cleaning house, paying bills, etc.). She tried to focus on one thing at a time whenever possible. She learned about active listening and used lots of visual aids. (HealthUnlocked, 2025; Kabra, 2021; Sonic Learning, 2024)

Six months later, they found that a little patience, a little knowledge, and a lot of love went a long way. They welcomed a beautiful baby girl and found that they really enjoyed being parents together. They're now thinking about having a second child next year to make their family complete.





Tip #2: Learning Together about Invisible Disabilities

I've spent whole Podcasts talking in depth about what invisible disabilities are and how to internalize that knowledge successfully into your everyday life. But, when we explore the sensitive territory of intimate relationships, we're in a whole other universe altogether. Whether it's a spouse or close friend, such understanding can be the lynchpin between fulfilling and fractious relationships.

Again, there currently isn't a lot of professional guidance here, so I think it's best for the partners or friends to say it in their own words. For example, Winn (2017) says that: "In my youth and well into adulthood, I knew I was dyslexic, but it was just a label, nothing more. I was ignorant about dyslexia and its many implications. When I met my wife and we got married, she also knew very little about dyslexia. Early in our marriage, she had certain expectations of me and what I should be able to do that I could not meet. These difficulties added undue stress to our early lives together". His wife, Elizabeth chimes in: "There was still so much that we didn’t understand, but I had learned enough to be kinder, more supportive, and much more patient, just from knowing that our brains learned and worked very differently" (Winn, 2017).

This sounds great in theory, but can be trying, frustrating, and never-ending in the real world. For example, Passe (2025) explained that, "My non-dyslexic wife jokes that I’m her fifth child (I have four children) which whilst it sounds funny, it suggests that she resents in some ways my strange ways, that she needs to give me a list of things to work on (e.g. hovering the house, pay xx bills, chase suppliers etc)."

Another complication for couples, when learning about invisible disabilities, is how to cope with that new knowledge. Passe (2025) describes the process in this way: "Partners of dyslexics soon see that dyslexia affects more than just reading, writing and numeracy. They see that past failure at school, university and the workplace can cause dyslexics to self-doubt their own abilities in a huge way. When partners find out about their own dyslexia, they need to deal with a huge repositioning of themselves in the world." He believes this life change is so significant that it is like going through various grief stages. He uses Nick as an example, when his partner discovered she was dyslexic: "[Nick] noted in a very logical way the stages of dealing with the news of the diagnosis. He recognized the importance of the diagnosis, but also the pain their partner went through to come to terms with it and its implications for life." In other words, while it can be a shock for the partner without the disability, it can be seismic for the person with LD, dyslexia, or ADHD. As another adult confessed: "I fell to bits when I found out I was dyslexic last year" (Bogbrushhair2007, 2011).

Two other voices provide insights into the complex interactions couples or close friends experience when figuring out invisible disabilities together. Miller (DATE) posits: "Although couples may feel that learning disabilities are a unique problem, they are shared by a great number of people. Due to the close interaction of a relationship, the effects of learning disabilities are often greatly magnified, thus creating additional stress for the couple. It is only with hard work and a lot of understanding that these problems may be resolved." And, Scolnik (DATE) concludes: "Instead they rely on the people that love them to help them interpret the world, and to help them function in a world that’s not adjusted to their needs. Yes, they can be frustrating to love at times, but they have incredible, unique, world-changing gifts."

So how does all of this apply to the Scenarios above? Scenario B nicely illustrates how knowledge and self-awareness about invisible disabilities can change lives. For instance, Marcie had had a front row seat to see how her dear friend Joan began spiraling downward after she moved and started her new graduate program. It seems so ironic because when they left their old college and moved into their separate lives, Joan seemed to have everything going for her. But sometimes, dyslexia just never seems to go away.

Joan never gave Marcie the details of the past two years, but it seemed like she was immediately overloaded and felt defeated after she moved to a totally new location by herself. Everything Joan said underscored her bewilderment and stress as she dealt with the complexities, rivalries, and high expectations of her new university in Boston. The pressure from her colleagues and professors just seemed overwhelming at times. On top of that, Joan faced new places, new faces, and the responsibilities of trying to live by herself. Her anxiety level hit the roof and she quickly fell into an on-going cycle of anger and depression. As she saw herself becoming more and more of a failure at school, she became even more confused, bewildered, and ashamed. She couldn't study and didn't know how to cope with everyday living tasks like paying bills, doing laundry, eating, sleeping, and getting to classes on time. Her grades plummeted and she became more and more isolated and depressed. Her one, consistent companion was vodka. The more she drank, the less she had to wake up and feel like a failure.

Marcie realized after her last online visit with Joan that an intervention was definitely needed. She contacted Joan's sister and they agreed to meet and physically go to Joan's apartment. What they found broke their hearts. Joan was clearly hung over and living in a filthy mess. She had just quit her last job and had no idea what to do. They packed her few possessions and took Joan home to live with her brother. Then, Marcie and Joan's sister made a plan.

First, the family immediately put Joan into out-patient treatment. As Joan recovered, she and her brother met with counselors, therapists, and vocational coaches to see what would happen next. The subject of dyslexia kept coming up over and over again during Joan's treatment. While at first, Joan denied repeatedly that there was "anything wrong with her", she finally saw a different picture. To help Joan, Marcie was a volunteer in a counseling session to verify for Joan how her previous life had been shaped by her invisible disability.

Second, Joan spent a lot of time reading about dyslexia and talking to other clients with similar disabilities. She even became friends with one of the therapists who herself was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia. It was hard to admit, but Joan finally saw how dyslexia had ruled and shaped her life for many years. For instance, she acknowledged how Marcie had been her safety-net by helping her organize her life and being a great study-buddy. She realized that as a child, and then as an under-grad, she had a live-in support system between Marcie and her family. While this was wonderful, it left Joan totally un-prepared to face any challenges in adult life. It was time to move forward.

Third, Joan decided to set some vocational goals and get accommodations for her dyslexia for the first time. After she left treatment, she went to work for her cousin who had a chain of floral shops. It took a lot of courage, but Joan and her cousin frankly discussed her hidden disability using materials from the Job Accommodations Network (2025). They jointly developed a plan where she got: initial training from an on-site mentor; oral as well as written instructions; apps for organizational, financial, and time management skills; and frequent, informal feedback from her supervisor. A white board was even set up to check deadlines and prioritize work orders--something all of the other employees loved as well! With all this support, Joan really enjoyed working with her peers and made many new friends. She also discovered that she loved working with her hands by doing floral arrangements. She became so successful that she started specializing in various celebrations and birthdays as an event florist. She especially took great pride and love in planning Marcie's wedding two years later.

Fourth, Joan finally admitted that she was an alcoholic. She spent a lot of time reading and talking to others about the complex connections between chemical dependency and invisible disabilities. As Marcie was at Joan's first open AA meeting, Joan invited Marcie back to celebrate her First Year Sobriety Chip. She now regularly speaks at meetings about her struggles with dyslexia and alcohol and has two new sponsees.

If Joan's story is your story, it's time to explore your invisible disability with someone you love and trust. There's lots of practical, free ideas and materials in this Blog and others to get you started. Just look below......




Tip #3: When You're Stuck

Sometimes, relatively simple solutions or life-changes are enough to get you and your intimate relationship back on track. Maybe, some frank discussions with a spouse or a special weekend to get away can put difficult, nagging problems into their true perspective. For instance, maybe you and your partner are always fighting about money. You could start by re-working your budget together or using the "$20 Rule" (e.g., consistently telling your spouse everytime you spend more than $20) to limit your impulsive spending. Perhaps, you're feeling lonely and neglected in your marriage. You could plan a regular "Date Night", take up a joint hobby or learn a new language together. In both of these cases, effective communication, listening and concern for your partner are clearly key elements that will strengthen, not dismantle your marriage.

However, sometimes even in the healthiest of relationships, that may not be enough. For example, did you know that 40-50% of all American marriages end in divorce? The trend is even higher in second marriages (60-70%) and third marriages, where the divorce rate exceeds 70% (MFL Team, 2024). While these are scary enough statistics, the divorce rate for people with invisible disabilities is much higher. For instance, Vincent (2025) observed that: "The vast majority of neurodiverse marriages – up to 85 percent – end in divorce. Most couples do not realize they are in an ND/NT partnership and may suffer for years without support." (*Caveat: This author is reporting his statistics on "neurodivergent" marriages. Consequently, they should be viewed with caution, as the definition of "neurodiversity" varies widely.) However, other professionals report equally sobering statistics, such as Harrar (2023), who said, "The divorce rate for couples with a spouse who has ADHD could be as high as 66%". Again, no matter what the figures say, all of the material given in this Blog underscore the complexity and difficulty sustaining healthy and stable relationships.

If this is a concern for you or someone you know, what should you do? First of all, don't lose hope. There are currently a myriad of local, state, and federal resources available to you to help you and your partner move in a healthier direction. A few suggestions are:

  • Face-to-Face Counseling--This is an in-person session with you and your spouse/partner where you will have an initial assessment and work on better communication, common goals, and behavioral patterns.

  • Online Couples Counseling--Similar to face-to-face counseling but you talk to a licensed therapist weekly through video chat, live chat, or phone calls.

  • Marriage Counseling for Specific Groups (e.g., Christians, LGBT folks, Veterans, Seniors, different Ethnic or Cultural groups)--Here you follow the same format as other types of marriage counseling, but there's an added dimension; you also focus on various unique cultural, historical, or societal expectations and issues surrounding specific groups (i.e., the challenges of aging; expectations of Muslim culture; religious assumptions of various faiths; sexual orientation/gender identity; challenges of military service.)  

  • Individual Counseling--Individual counseling is when one person focuses on personal issues and mental health instead of looking at the relationship as a whole. Therapists may use this in tandem with couples counseling.


Second, taking the risk to pursue counseling is critical. Gottman (2017) stresses that: "The average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship problems. And keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. If you feel there’s any sign of trouble in your marriage early on, seek help."(Gottman, 2017). His advice is underscored by statistics that show the success rate of marriage counseling with a trained therapist is about 70%, with 70%-90% reporting many benefits of the process (WellMarriage, 2024).

Third, when considering counseling also factor in the cost. For instance, face-to-face marriage counseling is usually $75-$250 per session, while specialized counseling may cost more. Online marriage counseling is cheaper, at about $50- $150 per hour. Individual counseling varies widely between $100-$200 per session out of pocket (Chandler, Chandler, & Krueger, 2024;). This may quickly become a significant investment, but there are a few ways to locate and pay for these crucial services if they are needed. Examples are: referrals from a Primary Care Physican or Clergy, Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) and Local University Programs. Couples counseling is usually not covered by insurance, but there can be options to explore further (Derickson, 2021). All of this information is covered in greater detail at the end of Tip #3.

Fourth, as well intentioned as they are, most counselors, therapists, and other professionals just don't know a lot about hidden disabilities, much less how they significantly impact marriage or other intimate relationships (Kjerstein, 2017; Stuntzner & Hartley, 2014). You and the counselor may be learning about these challenges together. However, an effective therapist can become a real ally in your process of learning about LD and dyslexia, as you and your partner confront these challenges and gifts together.








Resources

I felt that I needed to add a little material about sexual intimacy and invisible disabilities, even though this is not my area of expertise. But, I have to be honest--I didn't find a lot and what little I found seemed problematic or not very useful. For instance, some dealt with appropriate sex education for people with disabilities at different ages. Another big part of the material focused on sexual abuse and exploitation, understanding consent, vulnerability, and ineffective social skills (Faught, 2022; Murphy, 2003). The majority of material looked at these topics and disabilities in general, with only a few zeroing in on children, adolescents, and adults with invisible disabilities (e.g., LD, dyslexia, and ADHD). This is further complicated by the fact that people in the United Kingdom and the United States define dyslexia differently; hence, often they may be referring to different populations. The one truism that seems clear in all of this material is that these important topics demand further investigation and lots of resources. For more information, use the material listed below as a way to get started.....








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