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Podcast #28: Finding Balance

  • Writer: Lynda Price
    Lynda Price
  • Jul 9, 2024
  • 41 min read

Updated: Jul 16


There's one more piece to the puzzle of your life that can make a critical difference between satisfaction and unhappiness as an adult with an invisible disability. It's called balance--and once you figure out how to find that, you'll open the door to a truly satisfying quality of life as an adult.


If you talk to any of your friends or family, everyone seems to be stressed to the limit. We all seem to be over-worked, under-paid, under-appreciated, and just generally just in a funk. In fact, the American Psychological Association (2022) has reported that: "Americans are struggling with multiple external stressors that are out of their personal control, with 27% reporting that most days they are so stressed they cannot function." The American Institute of Stress (2025) concurs by saying that: "Gallup’s Global Emotions Report [2023] found that about 49% of Americans experience significant daily stress, one of the highest rates among high-income nations. For context, that’s nearly one in every two adults walking through life with a daily undercurrent of tension."

Such high levels of stress, frustration, and anxiety clearly takes it's toll on everyday life in multiple ways. For instance, people with disabilities report that they have much higher levels of stress when compared to people without disabilities. Researchers found that individuals with disabilities are stressed out 4.6 times more than their non-disabled peers, with 30% admitting that they experience 14 or more negative mental health days per month because of financial limitations, social isolation, or medical hurdles (Center for Disease Control, 2025).

These continued, high stress levels are also often contributing factors to other mental and physical health issues as well. For example, a study by Cree, Okoro, Zack, and Carbone (2020) revealed that adults with cognitive or mobility disabilities reported very high levels of stress, along with: "adverse health-related characteristics (e.g., cigarette smoking, physical inactivity, insufficient sleep, obesity, or depressive disorders)". Also, as illustrated in other Podcasts, this sense of anxiety and stress may be especially true if you have invisible disabilities, like dyslexia (International Dyslexia Association, 2020).

Perhaps, the most amazing thing to me about all of these disturbing statistics is that living in this continual state of tension, anxiety, and unease now feels "normal" for most of us. If everyone and everything around us is unhinged, uncertain, or just out of sync, living an unbalanced life can be a common experience for many people. So, figuring out a way to achieve balance in your life may be one of the most powerful tools in your toolbox to find happiness and contentment.

The research clearly shows that life balance is important. As Hirsch (2024) explains, "Studies indicate that intentionally crafting balance in your life is worth the effort. A greater sense of balance is related to a variety of work outcomes — such as job satisfaction, performance, and career development. However, there are even more substantial links with "life outcomes" such as life satisfaction, and physical and emotional well-being. For instance, some researchers have found significant links between a greater sense of life balance, and reduced stress, anxiety, and irritability. . . This evidence suggests that balance is a key ingredient for a satisfying life."

The good news is that there are free, easy to understand ways to do this--especially if you have an invisible disability. That's why the focus of this Blog and Podcast is to learn your own set of strategies to achieve balance in your everyday life. As the folks at Intelligent Change (2021) point out: "Achieving a balanced life will lead to you feeling happier, and what’s more important than that?"



DEFINITION and BENEFITs


What is "balance" in your life? Here's a great definition from Frye (2024): "Balance in life is the act of creating harmony in various aspects of your life. These aspects include your physical health, mental well-being, interpersonal relationships, work life, emotional state, and spirituality." This lofty goal is often made up of two components: internal and external balance (Intelligent Change, 2021).

Examples of internal are: "Mind (thought processes, cognition); Health (mental, physical); and Emotions (control, expression)." Examples of External balance are: "Work (professional goals, the level of enjoyment at work, relationships with colleagues); Friendships (nurturing your relationships with the people you like and satisfying your needs for socialization); Family (fulfilling your responsibilities towards your family as well as enjoying spending time with them, plus setting healthy boundaries in your relationships); and Fun and hobbies (me-time, participating in activities that are exciting to you and have nothing to do with pleasing others)" (Intelligent Change, 2021).

Remember, balance in your life is a very personalized concept--it will look different to different people. For instance, one adult may need to have their family as the center of their life and everything else is secondary. Another person may be called to a certain occupation, so being of service to others will always be a top priority. But, no matter what you discover to be the preeminent area of your own life, the research clearly shows that you can't achieve that without the balance of other areas as well (Frye, 2024; Actiu, 2023; Medium, 2022). As the folks at Intermountain Health (2019) explain: "When life is out of balance, we feel overwhelmed and exhausted. At times seemingly insignificant tasks – like finally taking those pants that don’t fit quite right back to the store or picking up the dry cleaning – seem insurmountable. But when life is in balance we have more energy and peace of mind to be able toaccomplish the goals we’re striving for."

Hirsch (2024) goes one step further to apply this specifically to you. She suggests four areas (e.g., involvement, competence, feelings, and priorities) that make up the balance in your life. In other words, ask yourself these critical questions:

a) Where do I invest most of my time and energy?

b) How effective and competent do I feel in different areas of my life (i.e., work, school, home, family, friends, community, etc.)?

c) Do I feel that most of my life is made up of positive or negative experiences?

d) Does my everyday life and my efforts line up with my values and priorities?

If these questions raise any red flags in your mind, you may need to explore your life balance further with the ideas and tips below.









LIFE BALANCE and INVISIBLE DISABILITIES


While balance is an often unknown, but critical factor for happiness and quality of life for ALL adults, it is especially important for individuals with disabilities. The limited research shows that adults with disabilities may be particularity at risk to achieve a successful balance of the various components of their lives (British Dyslexia Association, 2026; Cherry, 2025; Delta Center, 2024; International Dyslexia Association, 2020). As the staff from ALSO (2024) explain: "Our lives are filled with daily tasks, activities, and responsibilities. For those of us with a disability, these tasks might be more difficult to complete. The specific limitations depend on what type of disability a person is living with. In addition, it depends on the kind of support we have; and how we balance our strengths, needs, and challenges." They then go one step further to categorize these obstacles in 7 inter-connected areas:

  • daily living activities (e.g., personal hygiene, good nutrition, transportation, managing finances, taking medication, keeping up one's home or residence, daily household chores);

  • social and community connections (e.g., social stigma, isolation, loneliness, accessibility issues, communication problems, self esteem and/or confidence issues)

  • hobbies, recreational, and physical activities

  • ignorance and lack of understanding one's disability

  • independent living at home, work, and school

  • community involvement (i.e., being a good neighbor, citizenship responsibities, volunteer work, church or synagoge membership, paying taxes, voting, etc.)

  • appropriate employment (e.g., getting and keeping a job) (ALSO, 2024)


It's interesting to note that of the 7 areas listed above, the preponderance of information and research is clearly in the area of work (abilityJOBS, 2026). Cook (2025) says: "Finding a balance between work and the rest of your life isn’t easy, and having a disability can make it even more challenging . . . while working contributes to enhanced mental and physical health, as well as to a better quality of life, employed people with disabilities may have even more to juggle than their colleagues without disabilities."

In addition, research from Work-Life Balance (2026) has shown that: "Although workers with disabilities have the same types of work and life concerns as their colleagues without disabilities, they face some additional challenges. For instance, . . . people with disabilities are more likely to experience harassment and discrimination." Other areas of concern at work include: bullying, fewer social supports, lack of accommodations, and/or concerns about disclosure. Stories from people with a variety of disabilities can be especially heart-rending. One adult confessed, "I have been publically treated as if my presence at work was a detriment to the organization; as if I couldn't do the job even though I had proven my ability with reasonable accommodations." Another person from the Work-Life Balance study (2026) said: "My supervisor did not acknowledge my strong desire to have an interpreter so I could fully participate in the organization. There was a lot of misunderstanding and inter-personal stress, and as a result,I would go home and need to vent.This is not healthy for me."As the previous quote underscores, stress and frustration at work can easily bleed over into other critical areas of adult life.

Another critical example is mental health. Wood (2024) has said: "For many, the daily realities of living with a disability can be exhausting. Managing chronic pain, mobility limitations, or sensory impairments often requires significant emotional energy. Tasks that might seem simple—like grocery shopping or attending a meeting—can involve intricate planning and adaptations. And when you look at it from that perspective, it’s no wonder that people with disabilities are five times more likely to struggle with their mental health."

She adds, "The impact of ableism, loneliness, limited energy, and financial strains from accessing healthcare all contribute to the hidden impact of disability on mental health.  This impact can range from navigating inaccessible environ-ments to coping with social stigma and feelings of isolation. . . People with disabilities may encounter stereotypes, pity, or outright discrimination. These experiences can make them feel invisible or excluded, contributing to feelings of loneliness and worthlessness." All of these conditions can negatively skew the balance of your daily life and keep you from the happiness you seek. Endbadguy (2023) confesses: "My self-doubt is limitless. I always feel very stupid. That alone distracts me. I am afraid to learn anything In front of anyone because of how self concuncious I am. I come off confident in my personality. What's inside is torture. I have been treated now at 46, and though it helps, I have miles of regret and still wired self-doubt."

As this comment clearly illustrates, the research demonstrates that many people with disabilities have multiple challenges everyday to achieve life balance as adults. This is because they need support in multiple arenas, such as: taking extra care of their physical and emotional health; being financially independent, and find loving and supportive relationships. In fact, whether they have a visible or invisible disability, many individuals report that their everyday life can be frequently extremely stressful and draining, due to: figuring out how to prioritize daily tasks; focusing on energy conservation/management; using assistive devices or personal accommodations whenever needed; learning self-care routines; and keeping up connections with family and/or friends (British Dyslexia Association, 2026; Invisible Disability Association; 2026; Wood, 2024).

To address these issues, Cook (2015) offers this valuable advice: "It’s hard to feel balanced if you treat everything as equally important. Determine what responsibilities are most critical both at work and at home. Whenever possible, do these tasks during the times that you have the most energy. If you are uncertain as to which tasks are critical, ask your employer and family to help clarify priorities. Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks; you need not do it all yourself. Finally, remember that not everything has to be done perfectly; good enough is often good enough."

*Please Note: The vast majority of the literature I that uncovered as back-ground for this podcast usually focuses on people with moderate to severe cognitive, sensory, and/or physical disabilities. I found much less that applied specifically to learning disabilities, dyslexia, or ADHD. I think, however, that most of these ideas and suggestions are applicable to people with invisible disabilities as well. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Just email me at: pricela33@gmail.com.











SCENARIOS


Scenario A
Scenario A

If there's one thing that Frank is good at, it's being a cop. He's been with the local police force for over 25 years, where he's gone from promotion to promotion and never looked back. For instance, after he got his high school diploma, he went immediately into community college where he earned an AA degree in Criminal Justice. He was then accepted into the Police Academy. Although he continued to be frustrated academically by his problems with reading, writing, time management and organization due to his dyslexia, Frank was a private, well-respected guy who didn't give up his secrets easily. So, nobody asked any questions or offered to help him.

Frank was able to graduate from the Academy with honors and became an outstanding beat protrolman in one of the roughest urban districts in Houston. He took his job so seriously that he struggled to learn Spanish to communicate better in the neighborhood and was the first guy to set up a weekend basketball camp to build community trust. He even volunteered to help evacuate families when the last hurricane hit and was on the job for over 72 hours.

Given his glowing job reviews, Frank was soon promoted to Detective in Homicide and is now seriously thinking about taking the training to become a Sergeant. But, he's very nervous about the oral and written exams that he will need to pass. Also, all of this work doesn't leave him with much free time for anything. He still lives with his brother and helps out at a friend's garage fixing cars because he desperately wants to save for his own place. Since his hours are so long and his schedule is so erratic, he rarely has time to socialize, have fun, or find a girlfriend. He figures that all of those things will come later.

Then, Frank had his first heart attack and collapsed in front of his partner. He had noticed for a while that he couldn't catch his breath when chasing a suspect and sometimes was dizzy or had leg pain while on duty. And he did put on a few extra pounds eating mostly junk food and drinking after shifts. But he was still totally unprepared for this situation. When the medic took him to the hospital, he told Frank that over 50% of the policemen they saw were at risk for cardiovascular issues due to all of the baggage that goes with the job: sleep deprivation, constant high stress, poor diet, heavy smoking, and sedentary downtime. (Griffith, 2023; Iamsigma, 2024; Police Health, 2026).

Frank was scared by his heart attack. However, the doctor's advice scared him even more, as he didn't have the foggiest idea how to do any of it. His family doctor suggested that he get more sleep and eat healthier meals right away. He should drastically cut down on his drinking and start exercising 30 minutes a day at least 4 times a week. He should avoid the staff coffee pot whenever possible and try to spend more time with hobbies, family, friends, and maybe a significant other. The doctor also emphasized that a big culprit for all first responders seemed to be the chronic stress that went with the job. He recommended that Frank: a) use peer support teams, friends, or a therapist to de-stress as often as possible; b) utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or mental health apps to deal with critical incidents or trauma; and c) meditate or use yoga to calm his nervous system as often as possible. In addition, Frank's doctor referred him to a cardiologist who informed him that he was a walking advertisement for a second heart attack. He stressed that Frank had to find "some balance" in his life and make significant changes before it was too late. But, now Frank is even more worried and confused than ever. He can't change the job that's such a big part of his life. What happens next?







Scenario B
Scenario B

Judy and her mom have always had a rocky relationship. Unlike her four sisters and two brothers, she always seemed to be the first one to fight with her mother. Judy's parents owned a popular bar and restaurant in Louisiana where they raised their children in a strict, Catholic home. Nevertheless, Judy was the smart, mischievous child who was always causing trouble. She was constantly fighting with her sisters over dolls, chores, or losing things. Full of love, fun and creativity, she easily charmed the sisters at the Catholic school. But she also disappointed her mom at every teacher's conference because she "wasn't living up to her full potential". Easily distracted and full of energy, Judy had a hard time attending to any academic tasks due to her ADHD and learning disabilities. Since her parents worked 80 hours a week or more at their business, Judy's siblings were often the ones who tried to tutor her and generally keep her in line.

Scroll forward 20 years and Judy is now an adult. Since she was little, she always wanted to be a teacher, as she loved all of her nieces and nephews. Her intelligence, high energy and creativity were a great match for working with preschoolers with disabilities. Now, she is a divorced mother herself with two grown children and four grandchildren, who all still live near each other in town. Since she finally retired from teaching, one of Judy's greatest joys is taking her grandchildren to the same Catholic school that she attended as a child.However, most of her brothers and sisters have moved away, or due to family fights, rarely see or talk to each other. Unlike them, Judy often wants to pinch herself because her life is finally balanced and just what she always wanted.

Then, Judy got the family conference call. Her mother had a serious fall and broken a hip. She was now in great pain and confusion at the hospital, where the staff wanted to know right away who was in charge. Judy's mother lived alone, as her father had died many years ago from diabetes. After they were contacted, the family immediately decided to meet in person to figure things out. But until they could all get together, they agreed that Judy was the logical person to go in and take care of things. After all, she clearly was the closest person and had nothing important going on anyway since she retired.

Judy was shocked and resentful, but stepped up to take the responsiblity. When she went to the hospital, she found a real mess. First, there were no current financial or health powers of attorney and no written instructions for the hospital staff to follow. Second, Judy's mom had been seriously ill for years with chronic kidney disease and high blood pressure, but had never told her family. She absolutely refused to let the doctor talk to her children and rarely took her medication or followed medical instructions. As she said, her mother had lived to be 95 years old, so this stubborn Cajun lady would do exactly the same thing. Third, Judy's mom showed signs of early dementia and was no longer able to care for herself. Bills had not been paid for months and there was little food in the house. Judy was at a total loss as to what to do next.

After visiting her mom and being yelled at for butting into her business, Judy met right away with a social worker and the various medical personnel. With their help, Judy was able to move her mother to a temporary nursing facility and started to tackle the absolute chaos in her family home. But all of this quickly became very complicated and confusing due to Judy's ADHD and LD. There were just too many appointments with too many different people Also, she felt inundated with important decisions, un-readable paperwork, multiple emails, persistent phone calls, and financial worries that just wouldn't stop.

Meanwhile, the internet was buzzing with various family conversations, complaints, and suggestions. Everyday, Judy was also inundated with multiple texts and orders from brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles. Meanwhile, there were papers to read and sign, lawyers to meet with, and medical staff to report to. Her sister Lillian even flew back from Chicago and stayed with her daughter so she could constantly second-guess every decision Judy made. The big family meeting is now two weeks away and Judy feels overwhelmed. She clearly is over-worked, under-appreciated, and full of resentment. She's out of patience and just wants to run away from home, so someone else can tackle this mess. But, the clock is ticking and somebody needs to take charge ASAP.






Scenario C
Scenario C

When Alex married Melody, he thought it would be happiness ever after. They had one wonderful, blissful year of marriage after the honeymoon and then Melody became pregnant. Alex couldn't have been more thrilled. His father had deserted his brothers and sisters when he was a young child, so he now saw himself as the perfect father who made his children his first priority. He couldn't wait to change diapers and rock his new son or daughter to sleep. As a result, Alex was an active participant in Melody's pregnancy.

But things rapidly deteriorated right after Susie was born. First, Alex's company was significantly down-sized and he had to commute three days a week to keep his job. Then, he was forced to move his new family to a rural area of Nevada where they had no family and few friends. Right after that, Susie was born prematurely and developed infant COVID. She was subse-quently kept in the hospital and then isolated for an extended period of time. They soon found that their new locality had limited health-care or understanding of COVID. As a result, taking care of Susie soon became incredibly complicated, with growing medical expenses, frequent travel and few resources. The burden of all of this fell on Melody as Alex continued to put in extra hours to save his job. Also, as a dyslexic adult who would never self-disclose in the workplace, Alex was running faster and faster just to keep up with his colleagues.

Serious illness can often bind a family tighter together as they struggle to address numerous issues and hardships. Or, it can tear a family apart. Sadly, that's what happened to Alex and Melody. Melody started having anxiety attacks and became severely depressed. It was hard to find a therapist where they lived, so they continued to struggle on alone. They started fighting more and more about Susie. Then, it was money. Then, it was moving again and Alex trying to find another job. The stress, anger, and frustration continued to build and build until finally one day, Melody attempted suicide. Immediately, Alex called Melody's sister, who flew out and took Melody and Susie back with her to Chicago. She made it clear that they were never coming back to Nevada.

After a contentious divorce, Alex found himself more and more involved in work. His company was finally sold and he became a supervisor, then a regional manager with his new employer. He re-located to San Francisco and tried to start a new life. However, it was never enough; he missed being a family man and living with his daughter. Alex had tried over and over to stay in contact with Susie, through phone calls, child support, emails, and gifts. But, Melody had re-married and now had a second child. She just didn't have the time or energy to try to resolve their previous issues. She felt that Susie was just fine with her new step-father and baby brother. Why rock the boat now? But, Alex's life felt out of sync and out of balance. Something big was missing--and he didn't know how to get it back.






TIPS AND TRICKS



Tip #1: Are You Having Fun?
Tip #1: Are You Having Fun?
Life Priorities

In this busy, often complicated world, few adults have the luxury of thinking about their priorities. As Deboutte (2024) says: "It’s easy to get lost in the daily grind and lose sight of what’s truly important for our happiness and well-being . . . A vital yet overlooked aspect in our lives is setting the right priorities. We’re constantly juggling responsibilities and demands, but are we focusing on the right things?"

So, what are the "right things"? Moffitt (2022) explains, "Priorities fall into two categories: outer and inner . . . your outer priorities are about doing, and your inner priorities are about being. Both are important and must be contin-ually weighed against each other and balanced according to your values." The outer and inner priorities are driven by your core values--another equally important component of your daily life.

Fallon (2025) defines core values as: ". . . the measures we use to attribute worth and find meaning in our lives. . . .These are how we determine if our relationships, work, and day-to-day decisions feel right and true to who we are and how we want to live. Core values help us define our boundaries and understand how to prioritize what truly matters to us, and they are the compass that help guide our decision-making."

Whether it's outer or inner priorities or core values, all of this is often directly shaped by invisible disabilities. Most adults with disabilities share the same priorities as those without disabilities--but, with one unique twist. They must also prioritize multiple ways to accommodate everyday the ramifications of their disability at home, work, or school (abilityJOBS, 2026; Sydney Dyslexia, 2021; Woods, 2024). For example, someone with dyslexia may need effective strategies to compensate for reading and writing problems at work. Another person with LD may struggle to promote resilience and positive mental health through a strong support network at school. And Ramsey (2025) explains, folks with ADHD often require additional help with executive functioning, especially in terms of procrastivity (i.e., continually working on the easier items first in a long list of things to do — so they are busy but not productive). Celarix (2023) says, ". . . thinking like this is probably not uncommon for ADHDers. We tend to have pretty lofty expectations of ourselves/think we should be able to do everything that neurotypicals can do (but they can't do it all, either)."

So, what are your priorities? Answering this question can involve some serious self-reflection, along with motivation to grow and change your life if necessary. This happened to Alex, in Scenario C. He was hit with this realization while participating in a company retreat. The session was led by Sandy, a professional hired by his company to help employees who were experiencing burn-out in their jobs. These folks, including Alex, were often late, missing work, or reporting serious mental and physical health challenges. They complained about chronic fatigue, intense stress, and strained relationships at work and home. (Fusco, 2020). As a result, Sandy suggested that the employees start looking at their lives to find what was out of balance--and what needed to be changed. She used these three questions by Grady (2026) to guide their self-reflections:

  • Identify Your Priorities? Look at the areas of your life that matter to you (possible areas include career, finance, family, health, relationships, social life, attitude and personal growth). Realize that some areas should take priority over others. Focus on one priority at a time.

  • Assess Your Priorities? Rank how you feel you are doing in each area that’s important to you, from 1 to 10 (poor to perfect). Look at where you can make slight changes. Your goal isn’t necessarily going from a 2 to 10. The goal is making Slight Edge changes, like going from a 2 to a 4.

  • Devote Yourself to What Matters? Identify your top three to five priorities and spend 80 percent of your time on them without apologizing for it. Schedule time for your priorities. If necessary, save money for them. Make sure you have emotional and physical energy for them.


As Alex considered his answers to the three questions, he came to a shocking realization. He discovered that he had been trying so hard to be the perfect employee, husband, and father for the last 10 years that he often completely ignored his real priority--to live a happy, healthy life. Since child-hood, his primary priority was to be the best at everything. No matter what the cost, Alex always showed the world just how successful he could be. However, he now realized that he had paid the price with a broken marriage, a child who didn't know him, and burn-out in the work-place. In addition, he had no understanding how his dyslexia was making a major impact on his daily life.

Alex realized that work had given him his main identity for years, but kept him from being the fulfilled, well-rounded person that he wanted to be. He knew that he would always need to support himself financially, but he didn't want to be like his father and abandon his family. His first priority was to be a great dad to Susie, while also finding peace and contentment in his own life. As Fusco (2020) echoed: "As we adjust to new seasons of life, it’s more important than ever to ensure that our families aren’t getting our leftovers. If we claim that our spouse or kids are a priority but never show up for them emotionally, spiritually, or physically, we’re sending mixed signals."

However, this new priority would demand some real changes in Alex's life. First, he decided to take a lower paying job with more flexibility so that he and Susie could spend more time together. Second, he could no longer afford living in San Francisco, so he moved back to the Midwest where he could be closer to his daughter, while doing most of his consulting work online. Third, he realized that a key priority that he had been missing all of his life was just to have fun--and enjoy the new life he was creating.

He explained all of his new priorities to Melody and assured her that he was not asking for custody of Susie. Instead, he really admired how well she was raising Susie. He also assured her that he wanted to be more involved with Susie's life, but that Melody would know about everything and have veto power. With Melody's approval, he started building his relationship with his daughter by leaving short phone messages for Susie every week.

This also led to his next priority--to have fun. Melody suggested that he and Susie play one of her favorite online games together once a week. This evolved into watching live-streamed concerts and YouTube videos together. Later, with Melody's assistance, Susie spent two weekends with her father where they did some gardening and cooking. Alex also suggested that they each keep a journal and share entries about their experiences. He was delighted to find that Susie loved baseball; one of Alex's passions. So, they had a "baseball weekend" where they attended a few Cubs' games, ate hotdogs and hung out together.

This led to another new priority for Alex. Because Susie had been a premie with Covid, he found out that Susie still showed some cognitive delays (John Hopkins Medicine, 2024; Gavi, 2025). In addition, Melody reported that Susie was often angry and frustrated because sometimes she just couldn't keep up with her friends. Melody was at a loss how to deal with this, but here's where Alex could really help everyone.

He admitted to Melody that his dyslexia had a huge impact on his life (e.g., always being a perfectionist, focusing far too hard on his job, hiding his issues and refusing to get help, not telling his wife, not creating a support system, etc.). He confessed that he had always felt like a failure because of his hidden disability--and he thought Susie might be feeling the same way. Alex asked if he could talk to Susie about his dyslexia. He showed his daughter how he used the computer to compensate for his reading and writing deficits and apps on his phone for deadlines and time management. He also admitted his frustration when he couldn't do things as fast as his peers. He encouraged Susie to write in her journal or talk with him about problems in school or with her friends. Melody also agreed he could sit in when Susie's IEP was written. They all became a team to support Susie--and she blossomed with all of this attention.







Tip #2: Who's Driving Your Bus?
Tip #2: Who's Driving Your Bus?
Self-Care

I think there's a great mystery as adults that most of us never learn--how to take care of ourselves. It should be easy. Of all the people in the world who know how to take care of ourselves, we should be the experts. But the truth is that most of us don't have the foggiest idea how to do it. Plus, it is usually the very last thing on our minds. Why is this so? Psychologists have found 6 reasons why most of us never attempt or learn how to practice self-care: negativity bias, effort, shame, indulgence vs. self-care, exhaustion, and unreal expectations (Clark, 2020).

To truly understand self-care, we first need to know what it means. Bottaro (2026) defines it as: "Self-care involves nurturing your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health to enhance overall well-being." She then says that effective self-care involves six interwoven areas of adult life: hygiene, life-style, nutrition, environment, and socioeconomics. If all of this seems pretty complicated, it is! Few people have the time, energy, or money to be flourshing in all of these areas--at the same time. As Mahrer (2019) explains: "You may see self-care as a luxurious act of pampering yourself. You may have thought to yourself, I should enact this ritual of personal dedication, resolving to begin a self-care practice immediately. That is, right after those things on your to-do list. And after you help your friend move. And when you get your next pay-check, so you can afford candles. Maybe self-care starts next week? But that deadline next Friday…maybe you’ll just add self-care to your to-do list. You’ll get to it eventually. Consistently practicing self-care can feel impossible."

I bet we all have said these things to ourselves one time or another. It's easy to find excuses. However, the research shows that finding ways to take care of ourselves is really worth the trouble. For instance, Schafer (2025) found that people who took the time to take care of themselves had: improved physical health, enhanced mental health, increased productivity, better relation-ships, more stress reduction, and increased self-compassion. I bet that we all would like better mental and physical health, happier relationships, less stress, and more self-compassion. Nevertheless, some professionals go one step further. They believe that effective self-care is of utmost importance if you have a disability. For example, Reed (2025) emphasizes: " . . . intentional self-care not only helps people with disabilities to navigate daily life but also empowers them to thrive." The professionals at Rocky Mountain Human Services (2024) echo: "Self-care is for everyone, but it can be even more important for differently abled individuals because self-care can help manage the challenges that come with living with a disability."

While the challenges of having a disability may be unique to each individual, there seems to be one characteristic that can be especially problematic for some people with dyslexia: excessive perfectionism (Marianne, 2026; Saline, 2025; Stoeber & Rountree, 2021). De Haas (2026) explains that "Perfectionism and dyslexia are connected. Perfectionism seems to develop during childhood when acceptance, approval, and affection are lacking. Many dyslexics have experienced the feeling of not receiving any recognition or understanding while attending school. . . Doing so can hinder our ability to manage our dyslexia in a helpful and effective way."

r/perfectionism (2024) describes his life this way: "It turns out school was more traumatic than I originally thought, and as a coping strategy, I developed perfectionism. Over the last few years, it's spiralled and ruined my life, it's left me paralysed with fear. Fear of not achieving. Fear of failing (yes they are different). Fear that all those teachers would be right. Fear that I would waste perfectly good opportunities, I frankly don't deserve. Those lead to some dark low places!" PapaP7263 (2024) adds, "[Perfectionism as a dyslexic is] 100% a thing. If you need to work super hard to produce medium quality work as a kid, lots of high achieving dyslexics just set ‘work super hard’ as there default. Leading to perfectionism and fear of falling short."

Being the best in everything you do is the story of Frank's life, as seen in Scenario A. For over 25 years, Frank has been totally focused on being an outstanding policeman. His goal to be the best officer in the force started in high school and he never looked back. He always went the extra mile for everyone else, so his job invariably dominated his life. That all came to a screeching halt when he had his first heart attack. He's now at a crossroads: do what he has always done or finally start taking care of himself.

But putting himself first is truly an alien concept for Frank. For instance, when his doctor told Frank he needed to take care of himself, Frank immediately thought about how silly and self-indulgent that sounded. He had always "taken care" of himself, right? That's how he got to be so successful as a policeman. But he changed his mind when he was forced to talk to the department counselor, Gary. Frank soon learned that the things that made him a great cop could also backfire and destroy his physical and mental health. For example, as First Responders, cops often have irregular hours with long-term fatigue due to shift work. They constantly face traumatic events and high-stakes situations that result in an emotional and physical toll, sometimes with hidden PTSD. They may find it's impossible to detach from their work and return to "normal" life, so they usually socialize only with other cops. This reinforces work as their sole identity and encourages unhealthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety.

However, Gary emphasized that Frank's situation was more complicated because of his invisible disability. As someone with dyslexia, he had always dealt with challenges in his life by being fiercely independent and a perfectionist. Plus, doing twice as much as everyone else was the only way he knew how to compensate for his problems with reading, writing, time management and organization. While this approach helped him pass a spelling test in the third grade, it caused later havoc in his adult life. For instance, because Frank never asked for help to solve problems, he had no support system or social circle outside of police work. Because it took all of his energy and focus to be the best, he rarely took the time to get enough sleep, eat regularly, or exercise. Since his identity was wrapped up in his policework, he had no hobbies and few ways to relax and have fun. His life consisted of moving from one shift to another--with no days off to re-charge and no time to really live his life.

It seemed that Frank had two, major problems that were both challenges to self-care; his high stakes job as a First Responder and over-compensating because of his dyslexia. Gary finally convinced him that he had no choice about self-care. He had to exercise more, eat healthier, sleep more, and get a life outside of police work. He understood that hobbies, friends, and family would help, but how to de-stress and slow down his on-going anxiety?

Such high levels of stress and anxiety were clearly fueled by his dyslexia and perfectionism. For example, King (2025) observed that individuals with dyslexia often show these reactions: exaggerate perceived failures; are highly critical of themselves; are reluctant to try anything new; carry a strong sense of failure; are hypersensitive to any type of criticism; always want others' approval; hold rigid ideas of ways to do things; and believe that everything's always easier for someone else. In other words, these reactions mutate into incredible stress and anxiety, which exactly described how Frank felt every day.

It was clear that he needed a totally new mindset about his dyslexia (Brodsky, 2023; Packer, 2023). First, he needed to admit his tendency towards always having to be perfect, while also understanding that making mistakes happens all the time to everybody. Second, he should stop reinforcing himself as a failure and applaud his resilience and determination. Third, he could learn how to set new, less rigid goals, along with a flexible timeline to achieve them. As the educators from Dyslexia Help at the University of Michigan (2026) observed: "The pain of failing to meet other people’s expectations is surpassed only by dyslexics’ inability to achieve their goals. This is particularly true of those who develop perfectionistic expectations in order to deal with their anxiety. They grow up believing that it is 'terrible' to make a mistake. However, their learning disability, almost by definition means that these children will make many 'careless' or 'stupid' mistakes. This is extremely frustrating to them, as it makes them feel chronically inadequate."

As a result, Frank and Gary came up with a game-plan, which included these new, self-care goals:

  • cut out the fast food and start taking healthy lunches to work

  • slow down on the coffee and energy drinks

  • use relaxation techniques to help him sleep better

  • work-out in the police gym at least 3 days a week

  • see his cardiologist and family doctor regularly

  • join the local soccer team at the YWCA and practice as much as possible

  • set boundaries between work and his home life (e.g., be sure to use his vacation days, purposefully plan downtime, prioritize family events, have activities with friends, and hobbies as if they are mandatory shifts)

  • volunteer to tutor teens with dyslexia at the local GED center

This may seem at first like a very ambitious program, but Gary and Frank took it one goal at a time, one day at a time. As Gary explained, "Bite off small chunks first" (Snavely, 2026). Frank started by trying to eat healthier and cut down on junk food and coffee; which was what all his peers ate due to their crazy schedule. At first, he got a lot of ribbing from his partner, but his sister-in-law spent hours teaching him how to cook for himself--and even started eating the Mediterranean diet with him to lose weight. He then started exercising three times a week if possible, even if that meant walking during lunch or practicing soccer twice a week on his own. He used a goal-tracking app to follow his progress and spent a few sessions with Gary to work on his perfectionism. Gary also encouraged him to tutor two teenage boys at the local community college to pass their GED. Since both had hidden disabilities, it was a humbling and eye-opening experience for everyone. They just couldn't believe that a cop took the time and energy to work with them personally.

However, none of this would have been possible if Gary hadn't taught him to be proud of small accomplishments and reward himself, instead of becoming discouraged and anxious as he changed his life. For instance, everytime Frank showed progress on his app, he put $25 into a special savings account to buy an antique car he had been dreaming about. Or, he took his brother and wife out to dinner--and ate all the dessert he wanted to. But, the best reward was meeting Sally, one of the teachers in the GED program. She and Frank soon became close friends, as they both loved going to stock car races. They even took a weekend trip to Alabama to see the best drivers in the South. Frank doesn't know where this relationship with Sally will go, but he sure feels younger and happier than he's ever been.      

Gary always concluded their sessions by asking Frank, "Who's driving your bus? Is being a cop driving your bus? Are other people's expectations driving your bus? Is your dyslexia driving your bus? Or....are you driving your bus?" After all of these life-changing experiences, Frank has finally decided to take the wheel and drive his own bus--and see where it takes him . . .










Tip #3: Setting Boundaries
Tip #3: Setting Boundaries

When to say YES & When to say NO

Nothing--but nothing--can make you crazier than the expectations of others. Maybe it's a sister who you have never, ever got along with, but you still feel responsible for. Or, it might be a colleague at work who just pisses you off. It could be a friend who always finds fault with everything you say or even a stranger who yells at you for bringing more than 15 items to the express check-out line. No matter who, what, where, or when this happens, the result is usually the same.

When you give in, you temporally feel better. However, that same feeling soon translates into resentment and anger. Of equal importance, you continue to reinforce a very destructive pattern. For instance, each time you don't stand up for yourself, you reinforce yourself as a people-pleaser. In addition, your self-esteem plummets even lower, while the frustration, stress, and anger is turned back inward on you(Barsawme, 2024; One Heart Counseling Center, 2018). Maybe this reaction cycle is familiar to you, whether you have a disability or not. Nevertheless, professionals have stressed that this is an especially damaging phenomenon for individuals with disabilities, who can use people-pleasing as a way to cope with daily hurdles in their often complicated lives (King, 2025; Packer, 2023).

Digging deep into the research, I found numerous testimonials about this phenomena. They underscore how children with disabilities often grow up to be adults with disabilities who become chronic people-pleasers (Scott, 2026). As Lara (2025) explains: "I would call myself the typical people pleaser. I'm someone who goes out of their way to make people feel comfortable and cared for. And I'm always anticipating the needs of others, their wants, their perceptions, so I can mold myself to fit them. I often use humor and self-deprecating humor to connect with others and put them at ease. I tend to put my comfort before others.  So, I learned at an early age that if you're nice to people, they'll overlook your mistakes, often they will, and as an undiagnosed ADHD girl, I made a lot of mistakes. And so, I needed a lot people to be on my side, to help me and support me. To put myself first, or even consider what I want when someone else is involved, it often seems impossible. I have to remind myself that what I want is important, and what I have to say is valuable." Packer (2023) adds: "We had to adapt and survive through things like people pleasing, putting other people first, ignoring our own needs."

Jaye (2025) agrees: "Many of us will admit that we're people pleasers as a form of protection, as Laura mentions. She molds herself to other people's wants and needs, but she does this so others will overlook her shortcomings. Because of her ADHD, she makes a lot of mistakes, and people-pleasing may have started out as a way for others to still like and support her, even with those mistakes." DeHaas (2026) summarizes it well: "Many dyslexics learn growing up people-pleasing as a survival strategy. In childhood, it can feel like the safest way to cope with challenges at school or at home--staying agreeable, keeping others happy, and avoiding challenges. But as adults, this habit often backfires. Constantly focusing on others needs can leave you disconnected from your own thoughts, opinions, and desires".

These descriptions perfectly describe Judy in Scenario B. If there was one thing that she knew about growing up in a big family in South Louisiana, it's that she was always different. The way she coped everyday was to make everyone like her and be as charming as possible. For instance, that happened academically, when she failed exams in Catholic school. It occurred at home, when she messed up with her parents or fought with multiple brothers and sisters. It helped her at work, when she couldn't quickly read or understand the excessive paperwork necessary to be a good teacher. She even coped this way with her ex-husband, when he gambled and ran around on her. Because she loved him and wanted to please him, there was nothing she wouldn't forgive or ignore to have a good father for her children. She finally had enough and divorced him, but always felt ashamed and guilty for doing so.

Judy was a people-pleaser in spades. That life-long trait nearly crushed her when she became the primary caretaker for her mother. The clear expectation from all of her sisters and brothers was: "Judy will take care of everything". But, the more she tried to live up to all of the expectations of everyone (her siblings, the doctors, the nurses, the visiting social worker, the Lawyer, the Physical Therapist, and the Occupational Therapist), the more anxious and frustrated she became. Judy soon realized that her life was no longer her own.

Judy faced multiple hurdles as soon as she moved her mom into a temporary facility. There were the constant phone calls from the staff when her mom acted out or wouldn't cooperate with anyone. Judy couldn't understand the complex jargon on the various medical and insurance forms. She had trouble scheduling important appointments and was at a loss how to coordinate all the various medications. It seemed impossible to organize the growing mass of paperwork, meet impending deadlines, and fill out various legal documents correctly. All of this pressure took a heavy toll on Judy. She was always tired and had trouble sleeping. She stopped eating and became irritable and resentful with others. She started snapping at friends and isolating from them. She began losing interest in her various hobbies, along with her weekly exercise program.

A month after Judy became her mom's primary caretaker, Father James pulled her aside after the early service. He said that he was very worried about Judy, as she just didn't seem like herself. They had been working together on a critical fund-raising project and Judy kept missing important deadlines. She often seemed anxious, irritated, and preoccupied with family matters. She was losing weight and looked like she hadn't slept in days. Judy admitted how her mother's situation was taking over her life. She felt trapped and didn't know what to do next. With Father Jame's urging, she made an appointment to see him as soon as possible.

She and Father James talked in depth about the expectations of others and how they can overwhelm your life. He said he had counseled many parishioners who were exactly in her shoes--trying to be the best caregivers they could be to elderly parents (Cleveland Clinic; 2023; Office of Women's Health, 2026). In fact, he read that about 1 in 3 American adults have the role of caregiver for family members (Mayo Clinic, 2023). Clearly, she was not alone worrying about her mom or feeling overwhelmed everyday.

As Judy confessed her frustration to her priest, she also self-disclosed her LD and ADHD. As she and Father James talked more, he observed that aspects of her invisible disabilities might be complicating things even further. For instance, her problems with reading and writing, along with issues with time management and organization could be pouring gasoline on an already raging fire. She kept trying to be a loving, responsible daughter but her disabilities could be holding her back in many ways.

The good news was that there was lots of help available. Some of it was simple, like accessing resources. For instance, Father James gave her a list of free, online support groups. There was even an in-person, caregivers group for parents with dementia that met in their church basement every Thursday. He also made a call to Agnes, a retired parishioner who had owned a local nursing home. Agnes volunteered to go over some of the forms and paperwork that were piling up on Judy's desk.

To help Judy tackle the mounds of paperwork, Judy used a few accommod-ations for her invisible disabilities with Agnes' help. First, they started by organizing various documents into color-coded files, with post-it notes highlighting key terms and deadlines. Second, they made a mindmap to show how all of the pieces fit together. Third, they created both short and long term goals for Judy's mother's care, along with a color-coded list of important contact information for the different agencies. In addition, Judy used a digital app on her phone to alert her to upcoming deadlines and important tasks and provide help with time management. Of most importance, she discovered a text-to-speech app on her IPad to read different care directives and long documents. She could also dictate emails and care logs with this new technology.

After they looked at local resources, the next step was looking at Judy. She and Father James continued to meet once a week to work on her guilt and stress management. They talked extensively about not sacrificing her own life and trying to prioritize her own health. Judy went back to maintaining a daily routine again, with better diet, more exercise, and an app to help her sleep. They also spent a lot of time teaching Judy how to ask for help if needed (Sunflower Communities, 2026).

All of this discussion raised another important area that Judy had never thought about--her people-pleasing. Father James explained that this coping skill had worked well for Judy as a child to deal with the never-ending challenges of LD and ADHD. However, they clearly were making her life much more complicated and stressful now. For example, her immediate family had temporarily dumped all of the responsibilities for her mother on her shoulders and then walked away. In response, Judy frantically kept trying to solve every problem alone and please everyone. But, it was never enough.

Judy soon realized that she had no idea how to set boundaries to protect herself. Saying yes or no were two words that were never in Judy's vocabulary. She learned that the less boundaries she set, the deeper she was digging herself into a bottomless hole with no way out. Again, the good news was that there were ways to learn these skills and take care of herself. With Father James' guidance, Judy started to work right away on her people-pleasing. The first skill that they worked on was how to say "No!", especially to her family when necessary. He gave her 3 phrases to practice:


  • "No, I can't do this right now"

  • "Let me think about it....."

  • "I can't do that, but I can do this ______"


All three of these phrases clearly set Judy's boundaries, but did this in a polite, non-confrontational way. They also put Judy's needs first, while protecting her from getting emotionally involved with more stress and anxiety (Scott, 2026; Taylor, 2022; Youngblood, 2026). Judy rehearsed these phrases over and over in front of a mirror. When her sister Lilian demanded that she hire a personal care aide right away so they could move her mother back into her house, Judy calmly said, "No, I can't do that right now". Although Lilian hit the roof when Judy set her boundary, Judy emphasized that this is a decision that should be made by everyone during the family meeting. She quickly learned that "No" could be a complete sentence and could be used with little explanation or justification (Macomber, 2025). It was a big first step for Judy.

Next, Judy took a hard look at what exactly her boundaries should be for the the June 25th family meeting. Here's where she realized that all of the work that she and Agnes had done really prepared her to face her family. She took a hard look at her life and decided that she had a maximum of one day a week to devote to her mother's care. That meant that the others would have to step up and pick up the slack. During the meeting, she would share her goals with them and pass out all of the color-coded folders and lists. It was then up to each person to decide what they could do. If everything didn't get done, that was no longer Judy's problem. After setting her boundary, Judy would hold her breath and wait.

Four years later, Judy and her sisters laughed and agreed that there never was a family get-together like the June 25 meeting. After cordial greetings to everyone, Judy got down to business. Her hands were shaking, but she passed out the materials to everyone. There was a moment of shock and silence. Then, everyone started yelling at once and Judy took care of herself by leaving the room to warm up her coffee. When she finally returned, some people were mad and some people were silent. But, everyone had taken a folder. While three people left the room, the rest were actually making plans!

Two of Judy's sisters hugged her and suggested everyone go to lunch.

Despite many bumps in the road, that was a start for long-lasting care for her mom, who lived for five more years. A few of Judy's relatives never forgave her, but most of her family clearly saw her in a new way. And, when Judy finally got off Facebook and started screening her texts to reinforce her boundary, her brothers and sisters started treating her with more respect. Through this whole process, Judy learned a very valuable lesson--not to love her family less, but to love herself more.








REFERENCES
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